On Virginity

This is a subject I think about a lot because I think about my culture a lot. I think about what kind of person I am, where I came from, how sociable I am, and how responsible I am for my lack of social experience. I think about how difficult it is for people to meet each other and trust each other enough just to have a conversation. I think about how geeks are considered cool in this modern age, at least to an extent. With that, I think about who fits the bill of a cool geek or just a cool person in general, and just what types of people aren’t likable. I think about how mature we are and, at the same time, how immature we remain. And I’ve noticed that the phrase “I think about” occurs eight times in this paragraph, including the mention I put in quotes in this sentence.

Sorry, hope I didn’t lose you.

If you’ve read the blog entry I made about how I relate to women, you’ll know I don’t socialize well with them and I didn’t even start dating until college. And these weren’t even real sociable dates so much as they were personality interviews in diners and coffee shops. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 24, and that’s only because I made a personal ad on Craigslist going for broke. Three of the four replies were dim-witted girls who were either incredulous that someone as old as I was could still be a virgin or wanted to interview me to see what a 24 year old virgin was like. Sometimes I’d chat with girls via AIM and mention to them my plight. Often times they’d say “Oh, you’ll meet someone someday and you’ll make her feel so special”, or “If I didn’t live five states away, I’d totally sleep with you!” or something equally patronizing and irritating. Here’s a tip for you people who are experienced and reading: virgins hate throwaway advice. They’ve heard it a billion times before and it only shows you’re just talking out of your ass. Because of all that patronizing and the occasional bullshit advice I got from more…let’s say “noble”…girls, I wanted to lose it in a meaningless way out of spite. For what it’s worth, I didn’t lose it like that and I’m still friends with the woman who finally helped me out.

But that’s the thing. If a guy isn’t perfectly chiseled or impossibly cute, and if he’s not the most outgoing guy you ever met, then it’s really hard for him to have sex. It’s hilarious how easy it is for people to forget that it takes two people for sex to even take place. People don’t remain virgins because they never figured out masturbation. If that was all it would take, then I would be able to say I lost mine when I was 11 or so.

Another thing is people stress confidence more than anything. Which apparently is even more valuable when you’re below the height of 5’10”, not muscular and fit, not tanned, and not a scenester clone (like a hipster, or a goth, or an emo kid, or a preppy, etc.). And then there’s the personality and interests. I never liked Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dave Matthews Band, I never got into or ever liked The White Stripes, 3 Doors Down, Smashing Pumpkins, or whatever radio friendly band that gets lots of girls wet. I don’t watch TV, I don’t listen to whatever’s on the Top 40, I don’t like dance clubs, and I don’t have much experience in talking to girls. So, I didn’t know to say whatever is expected to come from a 24 year old’s mouth.

Confidence does not come easily to those who are sexually inexperienced in their mid-twenties or older, and inexperienced in other ways with the preferred gender. It’s really easy for people to say it’s no big deal, or don’t worry about it, or whatever, because they know it from experience. It’s like, imagine being in your late twenties and you’ve never gone swimming, played basketball, been to a concert, been on a roller coaster, or anything simple and common to young people. Sure, these things aren’t too much of a big deal, but they’re great things to experience. And when you’re somewhat old for someone who’s never done any of these things, people think it’s weird and the activity becomes that much more foreign and intimidating to the virgin of the sort.

See, confidence can’t just be summoned. You can’t just be confident any more than you can just be happy, awake, sleepy, or whatever. If you’re not happy, you’re not happy. If you’re shy, then you’re shy. If you’re wide awake, then you’re not going to sleep anytime soon. If you’re still tired and under rested, you’re not going to be very alert. And you know what? It’s hard to be confident when you know you’re a virgin and you’re in your twenties. Because virgins have never gone to bed with someone, they don’t know when they’re getting bedroom eyes. They don’t know how to convince someone to sleep with them. They also don’t have an M.O. in the bedroom, and the lack thereof makes the virgin very nervous. Also, whenever someone admits to being a virgin, it’s somehow a big turn-off to a lot of people. Whenever I told a girl I was still a virgin, she’d be incredulous and whatever attraction that girl had for me went out the window, because it’s apparently a big hassle and invitation for trouble to sleep with a guy who’s still sexually inexperienced. I mean, let’s say you wet your pants. Even if you can still technically carry out your daily routine, can you honestly do so with peace of mind? Even if somehow people don’t notice, wouldn’t the grimy wetness and odor make you uncomfortable? Being a virgin is like that. It nags at you, it eats at your self-esteem, and you can’t get away from it until someone finally liberates you of it.

Now, some people want to save it for marriage, or at least for someone with whom they fall in love. And that’s fine, except the virgin is not exempt from sexual anxiety if that special someone hasn’t entered his or her life for a good while. Women seem to romanticize it more than men; even the lewd, anti-prude women. Guys, especially non-religious guys, just want to be rid of it. The older a guy gets, the more of a curse it is. It’s like quicksand where the older you get, the more it eats at your psyche. And then the guy feels less confident, and it becomes harder to even befriend a girl, let alone sleep with one.

I certainly didn’t value it. I just wanted to be rid of it. Look at it this way: you probably know a lot of people who lost their virginity in their teens or early twenties. And they’ve probably dated a lot, had a few relationships, ended a few of those relationships, been dumped, ended the relationships mutually, cheated on their relationship partners, been cheated on, had one night stands, had their pussies eaten out of or their dicks sucked, and so on. Chances are, these people have had bad sex before, or under performed in bed at some point or other. And that’s fine; we’re all human, anyway.

What difference does it make if the first time is bad? And it probably would be anyway, so just get it out of the way.

To me, sex is like a walk in the park, and I’m not using the euphemism for easiness. See, a walk in the park with your loved one can be a wonderful way to spend a spring or summer afternoon. The two of you can walk arm in arm, stop for a ridiculous ice cream cone with seven colorful scoops of ice cream, watch kids play, pet a dog, sit in the shade, bring a basket for a small picnic, whatever. Or it could just be a shortcut to the bus stop. Either way, it is what it is. Whether it’s special or a quick shortcut is what you make of it.

And sex is like that, too. It’s not the satin sheets, candles, Barry White on the stereo, woman in lingerie, man in velvet coat with pipe, and a carefully choreographed session of foreplay, gradually easing into intercourse that makes it so wonderful. It’s who you’re with. Imagine going the whole nine yards like in the scenario I just described, and doing it with someone you barely know or who’s just doing it out of pity or because they’re getting paid. All the setting up, dim lighting, and soft music in the world isn’t going to make it a magical experience. If you’re with someone you love, or at least in which you’re interested, you can have a magical experience of love in a public bathroom stall of a library of all places. Or the back seat of a car, or back of a movie theater, etc. And there’s nothing wrong with doing it with someone you barely know, as long as both parties are getting what they want. So, if two people just want a quick lay, so what?

There’s no reason to elevate the act of sex any higher than we need to. Just because two people got drunk in a bar and fucked in the back of a car before they asked each other’s name doesn’t mean sex on someone’s wedding night will be cheapened. If you want to make it special for your new spouse, then by all means make the most of it. But if other people just want to do it and get it over with, that’s their business. If someone just wants to have sex, and that person isn’t entirely a bad person, then that person deserves an opportunity.

You want further proof? Going to a baseball game can be romantic. Stopping for a latte or ice cream can be romantic. Having uncomfortable sex in a four star hotel suite is NOT romantic. In fact, the extravagant setting puts pressure on at least one of the people involved.

I’ll try and end this on one last metaphor. If someone has never had a hamburger before and just wants to eat one and see what the fuss is about, it’s not necessary to book a reservation at Gibson’s, put on the nice clothes, and spend twenty bucks on an unusually fancy hamburger. It’s a fucking hamburger! Just get one at Wendy’s and be done with it. Likewise, if someone just wants to get laid, indulge the person and help the poor sap join the human race.